For the next four installments, we'll be comparing individual fast food menu items in four categories: Main courses, side items, drinks & desserts, and sauces & ingredients. This week: The world's best sides.
| Rank | Food | |
|---|---|---|
| 1 |  |
Arby's Loaded Potato Bites A miniature loaded baked potato, fried, and dipped in a sour cream ranch sauce. Fuck the Atkins diet -- if that guy knew what he was talking about, then why is he dead? |
| 2 |  |
Popeye's Biscuits If you offered me a choice between two flaky, buttery Popeye's biscuits and a night of wild sex with a beautiful supermodel, I would choose the bread. Because if you got full, you could probably use the second biscuit to lure the model into bed anyway. |
| 3 | |
Popeye's Mashed Potatoes with Cajun Gravy With three items on this list, Popeye's is clearly trying harder than everyone else. They have the heart of a champion, like in that movie "Rudy," if Rudy were a faceless corporate chain. |
| 4 |  |
Captain D's Cracklins Ingredients: Flour, oil. Health risks: Heart attack, death. Price: Free. Chance I'll eat them this week: 100%. |
| 5 |  |
Fazoli's Breadsticks If you dine inside, these are brought to you by a girl carrying a full basket any time you appear to be running low. If you live in a college town, sometimes this girl is cute. Asking her for another complimentary breadstick is just like asking for her phone number, and if she gives you TWO, you are allowed to tell your friends that you grabbed her boob. |
| 6 |  |
Sonic Cheddar Bites In a world where even mozerella sticks are a rare, cutting-edge side item, Sonic has lapped the competition by adding a SECOND cheese to their deep fryer. God bless you, Sonic. God bless you. |
| 7 |  |
McDonald's French Fries Mark my words: French fried potatoes may be an obscure European delicacy now, but I have a feeling they're really going to take off in the next 30 or 40 years. |
| 8 |  |
Taco Bell Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes Taco Bell usually only carries five or six total ingredients (from which they create over 300 delicious menu selections), so any time they introduce a totally new base item, it is nothing short of a revolution. Time will tell the potato's impact. ["Side" note: These are now served without green onions, because someone somewhere recently died from one tainted onion, and so the entire vegetable is apparently a menace forever.] |
| Honorable Mentions | ||
| Captain D's hush puppies, Arby's curly fries, Arby's mozzerella sticks, Chick-Fil-A waffle fries, Wendy's mandarin oranges, Popeye's red beans and rice. | ||
--> Main Course
--> Drinks and Desserts
--> Condiments and Sauces
--> Side Items
--> Week 3
--> Week 2
--> Week 1
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