Hey guys --

I was just wondering if either of you had seen my testicles today. I distinctly remember having them on me yesterday, and then we went on that car trip to see the nice lady in the white coat, and now I wake up this morning and can't find them anywhere.

If one of you guys borrowed them for some reason, it's cool, but I just ask that you tell me why you took them, and ask my permission in the future. As you know, I use my testicles frequently for a lot of things, including noisy tongue-bathing during dinner, and fueling my manic leg-humping when guests are over.

I'm fine with you guys never lending me your car on the weekends, even though it has caused considerable strain on my social life. I don't complain when you make me sleep in a small cage, when even that dude Greg (whom you both hate) gets to crash on the futon sometimes. And as we've discussed, I'm even making an honest effort to understand why you get so angry when I crap on the kitchen floor, or on your pillows. But I do ask that you PLEASE respect my personal property, especially when that property consists of my sex organs hanging from my body by sensitive flaps of skin.

If you do find my balls, or can explain to me what happened to them, please come see me. For the next few hours I will be in the backyard, either eating grass or barking loudly at neighborhood children.

Your roommate,

Bagel